My dilemma is that the pastors are all praying against the spirit of homosexuality in me, but I am not a homosexual, I meet males and have sex with them, but I am a heterosexual...
This is the fifth time in my long ordeal with my parents trying to force out the spirit of homosexuality from me.
Before I go on with my tales of woes, I need to allow you to meet me, although for security reasons I will not be disclosing my name but not withstanding I will only let you into me, only on informal settings.
I am the first and the only son of my middle income earning parents. By the standard in my country Nigeria, my parents are civil servants and we live in a three bedroom Government Issue apartment building in Lagos.
We are such a close knit family that we the children always long for vacations from school, in order to spend a lot of times with our parents.
Dad is always fun to be with, although being a strict disciplinarian that he is, he always makes sure we have something that must connect to our academic every day, like reading of newspaper, not to discuss current events, but to improve our reading skills. My younger sisters always have sweets in packs, because of the free cross-word puzzle in it. Life was fun for us. O! How I long for those days!
My mum was the greatest cook in my world; we longed for her meals and we dear not eat out on our way to school or during the school recess, since we always have our little lunch pack ever ready even before we take our breakfast. She was always keen about what we the children eat.
We grew up looking at each other as our best friends, never hiding anything from each other. Even when my sisters started having the school runs, it was our own little secret, and some other times I get to decide for them which guy is good for them, at least to feel better that my sisters are in safe hands.
All through these times, I have always feel that I am a girl feeling trapped in a male body. I love to do things that girls do, feel need to be cared for the same way like my sisters. I remember that I am the first to always try out any cloth that they buy. I am the family’s model, everyone always wait for me to come and do the cat walk and ease the family’s tension. To them I am only amusing them, but to me, I am just being allowed the place to be myself. They never seem to understand.
The problem started when all the children started leaving for the university, I left after my immediate younger sister, not because I was not good for the admission, because I choose to study a feminine subject, in the opinion of my father, catering and hotel management. “How can my son, the only one at that, study that kind of a course? What about medicine, or even engineering? Why should he fill that in his jamb form?”
So the next year my dad, had to buy and fill the university matriculation examination form by himself on my behalf, even choosing a subject without my knowledge, only to be told that he has bought and submitted the form and I need to start preparing for the examination.
Getting the admission was his headache, but he made sure I got the slot, to study a masculine course that he chose, civil engineering. I struggled to cope, and I just needed to cope if I will still make the family happy, so I started living for the peace of the family, even when it means that I was waging a war against myself internally.
My mum’s worry was about my orientation, just guessing though, she is always on the lookout for the cutest girl in church for me, a conspiracy between her and my sisters. But I am just in a battle against myself, needing not to be a failure by living my life for them and making everyone happy.
I had some relationships with the female folks, but just to make them believe that I am still what they expect me to be. Within me, I was trapped, trapped in my body, looking for a way to be with males.
In my university days, I met males of like minds, although they were all gays, I do not feel gay, I feel that I am a woman, and not a man. I feel the sense of worth when I am with them, not that they fully understand me, but that I get the male attention I needed. I am in a heterosexual relationship not a homosexual relationship. I am a girl, but all you see is a male, just what you want to see.
Our last born was the first to have noticed my attraction, her friends consider me cute, but I just cannot see myself in a relationship with a fellow female, really a no go area.
After my graduation, I needed to get married, after much pressure, some friends advised that I move out of the country, but I cannot see myself leave my parents, it is like turning my back against them, I really love them, so that option was never considered. Another friend, later sold an idea to me that I look better and if well put together I can still be safer with me and also pleasing my parents.
He advised that I get a lesbian girl who will agree to get married to me and we both can still continue with life style. Based on this we contacted a friend of ours who is a lesbian and I narrated my plight to her. She agreed to help talk to some of her friends who were in the same state as I am. Eventually, I was able to get someone, who will be my live-in friend, but to my parents my lovely wife.
We signed a pre-nuptial agreement and we started ‘dating’, not long afterwards we got married in one of the society weddings in my area. My parents were the happiest parents; their first and only son is now married. The very thing they were expecting were their grand children, according to my mother and sisters with of course the subtle encouragement from my dad.
It is at this stage that I really need to confide about myself to my mother, I told her about what I feel inside, that I feel more like a female than being a male. Did hell let loose? No, but that opened the torrents of prayer sessions.
I am now tired of the fasting and prayer sessions, the fifth in the series, but my dilemma is that the pastors are all praying against the spirit of homosexuality in me, but I am not a homosexual, I meet males and have sex with them, but I am heterosexual, no wonder their prayers are never answered. I am only a female trapped in a male body; I need the freedom, which is what I need prayers for. (To be continued...)
This true life series was put together by Michael Akanji
